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The Borovkoff Blog

Neo-Pagan Modern Thoughts On Society

In our lives we rarely get the option to glimpse ourselves for real. Instead we have an image in our mind of what we must look like to others, whether it is what we want to project as ourselves or not.

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Image of a person with a mirror.In our lives we rarely get the option to glimpse ourselves for real. Instead we have an image in our mind of what we must look like to others, whether it is what we want to project as ourselves or not.

When I was younger I went through probably the darkest part of my life. A close succession of bad events cracked through my tough exterior and began to eat away at my internal structure as a human.

My mother died of a fast acting cancer, crushing my spirit.  I lost the person that kept me going in life and for whom I strived so hard to succeed in everything. My loving relationship of 8 years began to come crashing down into a world of addiction and compulsion. I was a co-dependant in a sick cycle of love and pain. I found myself away from all family and friends, isolated in the Sierra mountains. No support system around me. I pulled my artwork out of the many galleries I was showing in and withdrew from the art world completely. I was denying myself happiness. Actually, I was withdrawing from life in the long run. I was disappearing.

These events culminated in my relationship ending, selling the house of my dreams and moving back to the Bay Area to regroup and start again. Feeling like a loser and not knowing which way to turn or which road to take. I needed to heal and I needed to find out who I was as a person.

During the next two years, I learned about the things that made me function. I had to go inside of myself and learn who I was finally. One of the most important lessons for me happened one morning as I prepared to go to a job that was simply a way to make money enough to survive, with no hope of advancement and no real future for myself. As I prepared for my morning commute to work, I looked in the mirror and saw a face looking back at me. I thought, was that my face? Is that me? That depressed looking person on the other side of mirror looking back at me could not possibly be me! On the outside it was me, but on the inside I was starting to heal and change. I knew the image in the mirror did not resemble my insides. It did not show the work I had undergone on myself. It only showed the track marks of pain, depression, anxiety and injury. The caterpillar was becoming a butterfly but I could not see the butterfly yet. I felt the butterfly inside but I could not see the relationship between my outside.

That evening I told my buddhist mentor the story of my morning and looking in the mirror and seeing a face look back at me that was foreign. He said, “You need to work on making your exterior resemble your interior redecoration. All of your life you have looked for the warrior. You have looked to find love in the warrior inside of other people. During all of that looking time, you overlooked that you yourself had become the warrior that you searched for in love. Now you need to make your warrior become visible to everyone else.”

I changed then and there. I shaved off all of my hair. I grew a go-t for the first time in my life. I started dressing different and holding myself taller and more assertive. I learned to love myself more. I learned to see myself as the warrior. I had survived many of the worse things in life and come out a survivor in the end. I had fought the battle and come out a winner in the end.

We search for love from others. We look for the things in others that we so desire in ourselves. The strengths of other people are our attraction. But it is far more important for us to look inwards and see what wonderful traits and accomplishments we have achieved in our own lives. The love of the self is the essential ingredient to life on the final day of our life.

When you look in the mirror do you see the “You” that you want to see? If the answer is no, then you need to work on making your exterior match your interior.

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